A story about Cathy

Hi to all my friends

I found this letter which I would like to share with you.
It was written by a bouncer and because of the length of this profound letter to all parents, I would rather prefer to write a post about this next time.

The letter is called "Cathy" Enjoy.

 I had worked at various night clubs in Durban and surrounds since 1993. When I joined the Police the “work” was frowned on so I dropped it off, only working the odd job when money was tight. Well, let’s say money is always tight.

One of the main reason I was often hired to “work the door” was not just the size and intimidation factor, other guys had plenty of that, I tended to be mature and calm and knew when to draw the discipline line without resorting to injury. I saw and learned a lot about human beings in those years. My “bullshit” detector became highly tuned. I learned a lot about the proliferation of drugs and alcohol abuse, and I learned a lot about parenting.

The main thing I learned is that many parents talk big about how much they care about their little china cups and more often than not, when their priceless Ming vase messes up, it is everyone else’s fault except mommy, daddy or the work of art’s.

Many, many times I became a surrogate father to a goofed up teen lying in a gutter. A couple times I was even the “next of kin” to an unknown girl taken away in an ambulance who literally drank herself into a coma. (They will never know my name. Perhaps if they did, they might have got hold of me via the hospital documents and said thank you.) And here I come to the parents.

See, little Lisa certainly does not have a drinking problem. Someone MUST have spiked her drink. Now yes, I do know about Rohypnol and other drugs and the effects they have. But doing a little on site investigation helps me draw some more sensible answers. Little Lisa’s vomit is pure liquid meaning she has not eaten anything solid for at least 12 hours. Scratching around for some identity, I was almost guaranteed to find “Thins” in her handbag. (Back when they could be bought.) So our innocent darling has had no food, been fed nothing but ephedrine all day, arrived in time for the “happy hour” and collapsed after a mixture of red wine, tequila and a host of various shooters.

So we fly forward a decade to the photo posted above. I was asked a favour to help chaperone an end-of-year under 18 party. 99% of the reason myself and some other adults were there was to ensure that alcohol was not consumed. This, we attempted to achieve mainly by searching the bags of kids coming in. I was amazed mommies dropped off Pete and Suzie (both aged 15) at an under 18 party, but each of them is carrying a backpack weighing 20 kg and has a crust of frozen condensation on the outside. “It’s my makeup bag,” simpered one kiddie with big blue eyes and an innocent smile.

Next operation was to keep tabs on liquor “coming over the fence”. With a colleague we spent four hours walking the dark corners, boundaries and back doors, confiscating everything from beer, cider, vodka, and a good selection of other consumables. The more we took away, the more the partiers were on the phone calling in more drops in ever more creative methods. Kids 14-16 years old were determined to drink. And seemingly, the adults dropping them off either didn’t check or didn’t give a hoot. You should see the looks when we found a wire-thin 15 year old straining under the weight of two cases of Hunters cider coming through a hedge. The load was bigger than him.

Humour aside we were simply maintaining order ensuring no harm came to innocents. One of the chief rules of protection is: be invisible until you need to be visible. We weren’t there to spoil the fun. Then we came across our dear Cathy (Name changed) pictured above.

Cathy’s buddies scattered like stabbed rats when we came up to them, except for one faithful young blonde who appeared sincerely concerned for her friend. We picked up Cathy and took her to a lit area to asses her. She was puking properly and started weeping her sorrows. Her friend admitted Cathy had downed the better part of a bottle of Russian Bear. We established she was FOURTEEN years old and managed to find a phone number and get a parent to come get her.

Mommy arrived. And now I start quoting:

“Oh, ja. I gave her the Vodka. Sometimes she does drink too much but…..”

That was about the time I started having images involving fish hooks, pliers and a blowtorch.

This is your modern parent, dear readers. Cathy was ONE example of dozens every weekend in this suburb and others around the country. A hell of a lot of modern “parenting” involves dropping the “Cathy’s” of the world off somewhere and forgetting about them for a while.

Tell me, who would mommy have blamed if Cathy had ended up unconscious in some dirty corner with her jeans around her knees?

Who would mommy have blamed if Cathy was listed as missing and found a day later in a government hospital with God knows what disease swimming through her veins?

Who would mommy have blamed if we found Cathy a few minutes too late and she had drowned silently on her own vomit?

People better start waking up. This is not a joke. But my intuition is that I will receive a lot of “not my child” and “I know exactly where my daughter goes” but I don’t know if all the “Cathy’s” mommies will let the message sink in.

I feel sorry for Cathy. In her 14 years she has not had the time to gain enough life experience. Her only reference for morals and ethics is letting her down. I wonder how many nights like that one she has already seen. And how many more until something really goes wrong.

There are PLENTY of Cathy’s out there. I’ve seen them for decades. I still see them today staggering around shopping malls with jeans shorts pulled so high a gynecological exam is possible at 10 meters. And I see them giggling uncontrollably, reeking of liquor, on the passenger seat next to some 18 year old boy who just learned to drive.

Stop blaming the world, the government, the police and society as a whole. Look at yourself and see what example YOU set for YOUR child. And then you might also know how your child is going to turn out too.

This was posted by a bouncer in 2014 and I feel every parent today needs to read this.

Shooting blanks in the Dark

Hi to everyone,

Surely, after 100 years or more of fighting drugs somebody should have realized that something is wrong. Surely after spending billions of Rands, imprisoning thousands upon thousands of people, somebody should have realized that society is bumping their heads against a brick wall. Apparently not, the drug abuse statistics are climbing higher and higher. Nobody it seems, are prepared to think that maybe, there might be a different problem.

This week there was another march against drugs.  Banners #DRUGSMUSTFALL  and SAY NO TO DRUGS,  long angry faces singing Christian hymns down the street. Front of this procession walks the pastors and next to them the politicians. Behind them walk the clever addiction counselors, then the mothers and a few fathers and behind them a few dancing youngsters, clearly not to interested.  

Now what is wrong with that, you might ask?

As an addiction counselor (not only drugs) I am working with people from all walks of life, from kids to young adults, teachers, parents, lawyers and people in old age homes. My oldest client was 73 years old. This people were mentally, physically, and sexually abused by their own families, in some cases by teachers and even by their own children.

I do not see any marches against abuse, placards shouting #ABUSEMUSTFALL. The same mothers that are marching against drugs are the ones that throw their children out in the street, to sleep in gutters and under highway bridges. They are the mothers that had children when they themselves were still children. They are the mothers that gave their children to granny or aunt to look after. They are the mothers that did not want their children and now that the children are grown up they want to control them. Then there are the drunken fathers, abusing their wives in front of the children, abusing their children in the name of discipline, refusing to take responsibility and pastors allowing drug dealers storage in their churches because they are paid good money. That is just a short version of what is really happening in our society.

Trauma and PTSD is prevalent in 95% of all the clients. The use of drugs (narcotics) is to alleviate pain. This pain is the mental pain that is caused in early childhood. This pain comes from when you know or feel that you are not wanted. This pain comes from when you feel you are not good enough or that you cannot live up to the expectations of your parents. This pain comes from not been taught how to be independent and therefor your mother will look after you, will imprison you in her house, look after you as long as she lives. That gives her the chance to complain about you, for using drugs. Then she can cry to her friends about her addict son or daughter, getting their pity. That helps her in her addiction of self-pity.   That makes her feel good.

To scare youngsters about what drugs does to them, to imprison them for using narcotics that alleviate their pain is criminal. To kick them out of school (from government) or house (parents) into the street is criminal.  This is the people that should be jailed. The victims are imprisoned and walking the streets. The victims are the future drug dealers, the drug dealers that the culprits want to kill. The culprits are organizing marches against drugs, boosting their own egos and feeling sorry for themselves.

To tell me that you are a drug addiction counselor because you understand what drugs do to a human is as far fetched as a man in the moon. No wonder the success rate of rehabilitation centers are so low. If you do not understand abuse, trauma or PTSD or how to treat it you are shooting blanks in the dark. Everybody hears the shots, applauding you for fighting drugs; however the addiction statistics is climbing. Society is busy fighting the wrong enemy; for years they are missing the target.  Sorry my friend, you are not a hero, you are a fool. You were only trained to administer treatment for something you don’t even know exists. You, just as the rest of society have been brainwashed.

Drug abuse is the consequence of trauma and pain in childhood.  Drugs are used as a painkiller for deep rooted pain and abuse, that society wants to sweep under the carpet.

Am I the only one that sees this?

Thank you for reading this post. Please leave your comments.

The Hole you Fell into

Greetings to you

And now, now that you have fell into this dark stinking hole of addiction, suffocating, drowning in your own misery, not knowing how to get out, I would like to offer you a solution.

Only you understand how dark it is, only you know how helpless you feel.

Your family walk past you, judging you, blaming you, telling you that they told you not to do it. They say that they did warn you and that you are now on your own. They had enough of your bullshit.
Your friends walks past you, laughing at you, they don't give a hoot about your well being. They are still all right. Why should they care?
The pastor or priest walks past you, promising you that he will pray for you. Only God can save you.

In the meantime you are lying in the mud, suffocating in your misery.

"Help me... Please somebody help me" you yell. Everybody hears you, but nobody knows how to help you. All they know is to judge and blame you, laugh or pray for you.
If only somebody can only help me you think, in desperation, but to no avail.

Then, one day somebody walks past, somebody that knows how to get you out. He understands why you are in this hell hole, he does not judge or blame you, he doesn't laugh at you or pray for you. Without hesitation he jumps into this hole, he takes your hand, slowly he guides you out. He knows the road out. He leads you out of this darkness.

Now, again you can feel the sun on your skin, you can hear the birds and smell the flowers. You can breath again. You can start a new life. You were taught not to step into that hole again. Wonderful.

This is possible, there is hope.

Please leave your comments. It is highly appreciated.

Why is it so hard to be kind ?

Why is it so easy for us to be inpatient, neglecting, rude or maybe even cruel to those that we love? Why is it so hard to be kind to them? We can sometimes tell in a marriage or close relationship how long people have been in the relationship by how they talk to each other. When people just get married or start in a relationship they do have some wonderful speech, but after a while it deteriorates and ends up into bickering and sniping at each other, been intolerant, inpatient and even rude. This is not only with our spouse but with our children, our bosses or even with our parents. This causes huge problems in our life.

This is a huge problem and today we will look at possible solutions.

I still have the habit of sometimes bad speech but I try to be mindful of this. What is the cause of this bickering, impatience, intolerance and arguing with one another? We all know how unpleasant it is to be living with someone and you keep on fighting with each other.

The first step in solving this problem is to realize where it comes from. It comes from delusional stupidity, not seeing it clearly. One of the things we don’t see clearly is our idea about ourselves, our ego, and our sense of conceit. The core idea is to lose your ego, yourself, so that it becomes not a matter of who is right and who is wrong, who’s the best or who’s the worst.

If you lose your ego it brings the amount of arguments down. Most arguments are about who is right and who is wrong. That doesn’t make sense to me. It is more important to be kind and loving to your loved ones. The more people can start to understand that, the fewer arguments will happen, the fewer wars will take place between nations, countries, races and religion.

 Here is a question to you. Do you always want to be right or do you want to win in a situation?

A great example of this is the story of the chicken and duck.

A young couple took a stroll next to a dam. The sun was just setting, his arm around her shoulders, they were in love.

Suddenly, as they were walking, a duck quacked behind them. “O” said the lady, “Listen darling that is a chicken” He looked at her in bemusement. “No darling that is a duck.” “No darling, “she said,” that is definitely a chicken” “Darling” he said taking his arm of her shoulder. He was losing his cool. Just then the duck quacked again. “That is a duck. D.U.C.K. duck.” She was adament. “No I am sure it is a chicken.” The man, now visibly upset said. “Chickens goes cookel,doodle,do and ducks goes quack… quack.”  She started to cry, “but…but” she sniffled,” that is definitely a chicken.”

At this point the man did something we all should learn to do. He squeezed her hand and said. “Maybe you are right my darling, it could be a chicken.”  

Who care if it is a chicken or a duck?

We sometimes could be thinking we are right. It could have been a genetically modified duck.

They carried on walking, his arm around her shoulder, and had a lovely evening together.

This comes from how we are brought up. If you are doing something stupid you get punished for been wrong. That is why we always want to be right. So that nobody can punish us. There is nothing wrong to make mistakes, we are not perfect. Even the people that want to punish you are making mistakes.

The fool that admits he did a stupid thing is not stupid, he is wise. Why? Because he admits he made a mistake and doesn’t want to argue his innocents. He wants to win a situation. The argument stops. How many terrible situations can be avoided if you can admit that you have made a mistake? Sorry I was wrong. I admit that I am human and I can also make mistakes, and then move on. 

When you admit you made a mistake and your partner carry on about how stupid or how terrible you are…please value honesty. Because sometimes we do not want to admit we made a mistake, we think that our honesty will not be valued. If your partner came up to you and admit their fault, how would you treat him/her? Would you criticize them, would you put them down or ridicule them? Then you do not value honesty. So if you accept the fact that they were honest about their mistake, if you can acknowledge with them the mistake, you can move forward together, so that they don’t make the same mistake again. We don’t admit to our mistakes, usually out of fear of what the other person might say or do. How can you be in such a relationship? Then it will also happen that you will keep on hiding your mistakes. You will start to lie. So been right or be wrong, be perfect or imperfect, is not the point.

How many of us can say they are in a relationship like that, where you can admit you made a stupid mistake and that your partner accepts that you made a mistake and forgive you? You must admit, very few of us. Where you are allowed to make mistakes because you are human and still be respected for admitting you made a mistake. We must respect honesty.  It all comes from fear. We are afraid to admit that we were wrong. We are afraid what other people might think of us or even what they might do to us. That is why we always need to be right even if we are wrong.

 It’s a wonderful feeling to admit your mistakes and then, people around you to accept it. That ability not to have such a strong ego, a strong sense of self, that you don’t have to admit your mistakes, you don’t have to be right, is an important part of a relationship, where we can rather be kind to one another. Then we don’t have to be trying to defend ourselves all the time.

The other problem is that we are taught from young to compete. You must be better than somebody else. We are not taught cooperation. If we understand cooperation, working with other people, together, we don’t have to prove that we are better than somebody else. Sometimes competition is important but cooperation in your relationships is much more important. When we get into a relationship we keep on competing and that brings all our misery and heartache. We have to be right all the time. We must be better than our partner.  Who is right or who is wrong?

That brings us to conceit (Excessive pride in oneself… arrogance) I have learned there are 3 types of conceit. I am better than you; I am worse than you; I am the same as you. That is measuring you against another person. How can you do that, or why do you want to do that. That is the stupid delusion I was talking about earlier. We are all different, we are all unique. You must be respected for who you are. You must respect another person for who they are. We don’t have to compare people or religion or race to one another, because comparing is conceit. If you do not compare, you do not conceit. Then you can work or associate with different people. You can talk to people of  different religions or cultures. We are not better, worse or the same than anybody else, we are different.

We must treat people with respect. So instead of thinking why did I marry this man/women, I was such a stupid person to have married this fool. I must have been drunk, instead of that, to treat your partner with respect.  If you respect somebody you have a sense of harmony with that person. They know they are respected by you and they will eventually give you the same respect. Instead of acting more superior, more clever or critical they will start treating you in the same manner.

So as you lessen your sense of ego, if you don’t compete with the other person or be critical towards them, if you start cooperating with them, learning the skills of cooperation and stop judging other people it will be so much easier to speak kind words to them.